Week Thirty Two: 10.13.18 Part III

Part III

  In this country it is very hard to work and go to school. Something I also noticed was that people judge a lot here. Why? In America people judge all the time. But we’re taught that it doesn’t matter what they think. It matters if you’re happy. Here, what other people think controls what you do. And I learned when I was junior high (Grade 6 to 8) that living that way is stressful so I stopped caring about other peoples’ opinions and it gave me control over my life. I was able to determine my own happiness.

  Now I’ve gone off on a tangent. Sorry everyone. To answer another question… I don’t know who will be the one to take care of my Inang after my Uncle Krilo but the other purpose of the position is ‘who will take care of the family house’?

  The concept of a family house is really neat. In America, the family house is my Auntie Loca’s house. Everyone goes there to stay. I think the house before hers was my parents’ house when we lived on Grape Creek Road. One day, I hope to buy that area again. I have dreams about it. I don’t know why. But because of the dreams, it makes me want to buy the land.

  Overall, I want everyone to know that despite all my complaining today I’ve learned a lot since I’ve come to this country. However, I, myself, cannot act fully like them. I wish that I could but some things that they do I’ve trained myself not to do because it sets off my anxiety or my depression or it is flat out too stressful.

  Many people here look up to me because of my individualistic nature. I had to learn how to live with minimal guidance. Luckily my moral compass points in a just direction so I haven’t turned out to be on the bad side of the human population. I try to guide the people who ask me for guidance. But I also have to take in the cultural differences. I usually tell the person, “The American response would be…” vs “the Filipino response would be…”

  It’s hard for me to care about what strangers think of me. I care about what people think only when they are interactive in my life. And even when they state their opinion, I don’t live by it. I tell them that I respect their opinions but I’m going to do what I feel is right.

  People here care about what others think so much, it makes me wonder how they deal with the stress of letting others control their life. I stopped letting the person who were controlling my life have that authority by the age fourteen. I was so worried about what they thought, what they wanted, and how they wanted me to live that I was not happy with myself.

  Here, as long as the family is happy then everyone’s happy. And that’s not true. But I can’t change the people here. I don’t want to. I try to understand why they live the way they live and right now the main goal that I have is to learn the languages. When I’m writing like this I can think in perfect English. However, my spelling does go on an adventure because of the way I have to think on a daily basest.

  In person, my English has changed to try and adapt to the people here. I try to make myself understandable but not everyone does that for the people around them. I want to thank you guys for listening. I’ve said a lot today. I’m going to be posting this in three parts to try and spread out my notifications. I don’t like making people read too much when they’re trying to ‘checkup on me’ so if you’ve made it to the third post, congratulations.

  I know that many people read these because I see the amount of ‘reads’ on my blog and it makes me happy. Thank you all for caring about me. All of you want to see me succeed on my journey and I’m going to try my best. Even though I’m stressed, I know that I can push through it because of the amount of support I get from back home.

  I haven’t been posting pictures and I’m sorry about that. I’m going to do my best to keep you all updated and the reason why I’ve split this into three parts is because I need to post consistently. I’ve started to write on my laptop and I will transfer the post to my blog after I transfer it to my flash drive. Once I’ve done that, whenever I’m at a computer shop(Internet Café), I try to schedule post.

  As of right now, I have 5 post waiting to be scheduled. I also want to post my essays because I think they’re important enough for you all to read. Everything that I write about is a rough draft to the question ‘how am I going to improve the education system’ and I feel that all of you should read over them. I’d like to hear suggestion or remarks. Anything from y’all.

  I do know that many of you want me to do vlogs. And if I do eventually get around to it. I will keep them at a 5 to 10 minute average because it will allow me to post more. Although, it is difficult to post video because of how long it takes to upload these things. I can make videos and they’ll sit there. When I finally get around to them they take an hour if not longer to upload and it’s dreadful to sit there and wait for the file to upload.

  People have asked me if I have a youtube and I do. But I don’t use it. I think what I should do is have a topic for 5 minutes and tell y’all about it as much as I can. I don’t know how that’ll work but I do want to try. I’ve had to touch back up on my Wattpad so for those of you who have a Wattpad please follow me and I’ll follow you back as long as you tell me that you’ve followed me.

  Continue to tag me and message me. Please, if I don’t answer after a week, message me again because I have to use my messenger every day and many messages go unseen if I’m talking to more than one group or more than one person. I receive at least 20 different threads a day. 20. So just remember, I’m not ignoring you, I’m flooded with messages. Message me again to push your notification to the top. Tag me in anything funny, anything interesting. I don’t care what it is.

  I miss everyone. I’ll be home between semesters for sure. I love you guys. Thank you for listening. This is part 3 of 3. If you want to read Part 1 (here is the link) and if you want to read Part 2 (Here is the link).

DJ/CHO/NAR

Week Thirty One: 10.13.18 Part II

Part II

  Mom always has to complain about something. Whether it’s my dirty room, or if it’s something even more abstract… That’s how she shows that she cares. And it took me a very long time to understand how to function with the way she speaks. Many people think that I’m rude to my parents.

  I won’t deny it. I treat them pretty roughly but we’re not close and when we are together… Well, my mother is going deaf. She can’t hear me when I say something, so she’ll make me repeat it, around the third or fourth time, I’m shouting and then she gets upset because she can tell I’m yelling. But she heard me.

  It has always been a constant battle with my mother. And it took someone else to figure out why my mother and I have never been able to sync. I knew that mom and I had a culture barrier. But I didn’t know how to fix it and I didn’t know how to approach it. Until Volour laid it out for me. I was so annoyed. It took him a moment to see the culture effect on me and how it reflects on the ways my mother acts.

  Anyway, so the first position of taking care of Inang was designated to my Uncle Krilo. My mother is the financially ‘responsible’ one, and lastly, my Uncle Toto is the one who is considered the highest authority. This position as ‘highest authority’ cannot be given to a female. My family in San Emilio is very old fashion so men are ‘the most responsible’. When the truth is, you cannot be given the ability to be responsible. That is something that is learned. My Uncle Toto has pouted in front of me. I don’t think he’s done that in front of many people. I found it amusing.

  This grown man, about to becoming one of the financial responsible people in the family was pouting. I asked my uncle what I needed to do. And he sat there! He was fed up with what had not happened yet. He was stressed. It got to the point where I told him, “Alright. I’ll be right back.” And I proceeded to do what I needed to do without him.

  That act, usually is considered very rude in my family. I did not allow him to choice what I was going to do next. Instead, I saw how he was acting and acted on my own. I got the files I needed and returned to my uncle. He was surprised. Oh, she… got things done. Yes! Yes I did.

  My Uncle Toto and I have not be able to sync much. He reminds me of my mother. And he’s strict. I can handle him being strict. But. I can’t handle his unpredictable way of acting. He has a habit of inserting himself into people’s schedule and expect them to make him the first priority and I can’t do that all the time. I try to adjust to him but sometimes the fact is, people can’t stop what they are doing in the middle of doing whatever it is. Some can, but it depends on what they are schedule to do at that time.

  This next generation of responsibility is falling into my hands. At first, I did not think that I was considered one of the people in power but the truth, I’m my mother in this case. I’m the next person in the generation to take over that spot as of right now. I get the money from my mother and disperse it where she wants it to go. The next person who should be in this position is my eldest sister. However, I am the one who is physically in the Philippines which is why the responsibility falls into my hands.

  My cousin Malikai is the next person chosen to be in authority. However, he has never had to finance himself. He has never had a job. And he doesn’t know how to prioritize. I’ve asked him to get something done for me because I have to depend on him. However, he has not followed through. And at this point, I’m going to assume it will not get done.

  When I first got here I didn’t like my cousin. He is closer to my mother than I will ever be. He might as well be her son. I don’t feel that connection with my mother. I felt jealous. But I don’t feel that way anymore. The whole point of these positions in the family is to get as many people over to the U.S or get them overseas so that they can give back.

  Another thing I should mention is that if a person is gay or lesbian (mainly gay so for the guys)… They are not allowed to have one of these positions. The most responsible cousin I have is gay. And he has a degree, he knows what it’s like to work, he makes his own money… He is the one I consider to try and get to America because he has earned it.

  The next person who is supposed to get to the U.S after my Uncle Toto is my cousin Malikai. However… I’m going to let my mother deal with that because I see how my family acts here and I don’t like it. I like that we all eat together. I like that I have a family. But what I don’t like is to most of my family members, I’m not a person. I’m a coin purse.

  This is something that I’m not supposed to do but if my mother says that I need to give to a person, I don’t always. I don’t always because I know their habits. I know what will happen to that money. It’s like magic. To these people, they don’t know how to invest in their future with their money. They don’t know how to save…. These people are not financially literate.

  If it was up to me, I would teach them how to be financially literate. I didn’t learn how to be financially literate from my mom. I learned my eldest sister. She was the one who taught me how to finance. It’s simple really. When you get your money, you put the bills first, and you make a goal for a backup. That way, after you’ve hit your backup plan amount, and you’re able to pay your bills, the rest can be invested in something else. But not everyone gets that.

I try to keep each post to a one thousand word average so this is part two or three. If you did not read part one the link is here (link). Thank you all for tuning it. You’ll hear from me soon.

DJ/Cho/Nar

10.13.18 (Part 1 of 3)

Part I

  I’m not on board on how the school’s extracurricular activities are run. If some of you are reading this and you’re from the Philippines you’re going to think that I’m not accepting ‘how you do things in the Philippines’. And yes, that’s exactly it. But, I’m going to do what I’m told even though I don’t like it.

  In the Filipino culture everything is done as a community. Which means, if you do not participate (if you are not being part of the community) you get punished. The reason why I’m not on board with this is because this country already struggles financially. There is a gap between rich and poor. There is no middle.

  People who decide they don’t want to participate get fined. I’m going to use Socialization Night as my first example. At the time, if a person was an officer of any organization in the College of Teacher Education they were required to pay P300 and they had to attend the Socialization Night. Even if they did not attend, the officers had to pay the P300. Why?

  If one of you in the Philippines is reading this, I don’t want you to approach me and tell me, “Because that’s how we do things in the Philippines.” That’s not enough explanation. If someone has barely enough money to go to college and cannot make it to an extracurricular event then why punish them? That person will not be able to pay the fee. Because they’re poor.

  Filipinos are last minute. I’m glad that I learned to get away from that habit. It’s stressful, especially if the community depends on that organization or that person. What I don’t understand is that even if a person is not interested in being a member of certain organization in the CTE (College of Teacher Education) they are in it.

  Again, I will reference Socialization Night. I was planning on going without being required to go. However, I was later informed that I had to go to Socialization Night because I was an officer. That killed my vibe on wanting to go to the event. I went, but to be honest, I could have saved that P300 for meals between me and my cousin instead of investing in the Student Council’s event.

  Many of the students, especially first years, didn’t want to pay P300 because they still owed money on books, on their uniform, on some bill that they needed to pay for school. And I understood that. The officers of the Student Council were not happy that the first years (who were not officers) did not want to participate. P300 is a lot here. Especially for an entrance fee. To give a perspective on how much that is…

  At a karenderia (mom and pop restaurant sort of) I can spent P20 on my food and P10 on water. That’s P30. I could but 10 meals verses going to this Socialization night. Now of course, I’m also paying for my cousin so technically, this would buy is 6 meals because if there are two of us it averages to P50 per meal although it’s not always.

  It aggravates me that there is hardly any planning in this country. My uncle has shown up in Vigan, without warning, then got upset that I was not available. Uh, yea. You didn’t tell me that you were heading this way. And I sort of have class. So… It’s not that I’m trying to avoid you… It’s that you decide insert yourself into my schedule and that got upset because it didn’t work.

  That incident made my uncle not like me because he is the authority over me. I’ve never been able to sync with authority. I don’t rebel… I just don’t bow down at a moment’s notice. I would do horrible in the military. I need to know why I’m bowing. I need to why this person is above me. And the reason of ‘just because’ has never been suitable or me.

  The way my family functions on my mother’s side is split into three responsibilities. Who is going to take care of Inang (The world literally means ‘Mother’ in Ilokano but she is my grandmother), who will be finically responsible, and who will be in charge? In the previous generation the people are… *I have made up names so that they do not feel as intimidated by me talking about them. Filipinos are very prideful but it’s also to respect their privacy* My Uncle Krilo is in charge of taking care of Inang. And because of that, he is not allowed to be the responsible one.

  Financially, my mother is the one responsible for everyone and I have never supported this idea. In the Philippines it is culture to give back to the family. That, I do understand. But first, in order to give back, a person needs to take care of themselves. I hate to say this, but I’m more finically literate than my own mother. There’s a word here that they use to describe ‘giving back to the family’.

  What I understand is that, as a Filipino I need to help my family out. I get it. That’s a community based rule. However, a lot of times, many people who are in the position that my mother is in, don’t know how to spend their money. Or, the people who are receiving the money are not using it efficiently.

  I had no idea that my family did not own a vehicle in this country! What? Twenty-one years of coming to visit and it wasn’t until I live here that I learned the real issues they’re going through. When I was younger, I would get upset about this whole situation. Why is mom giving to the Philippines and not taking care of herself? I learned from her that I need to take care of myself first.

  My mother has a habit of stressing over any and everything. Which is why I don’t tell her everything. I tell her important details but in the family here, everyone tells her everything. That allows her to worry. And I try my best not to let her worry about me. Back home, I didn’t turn to my mother for help unless I really needed it. Half the time she would ask me to go to store with her so that she would buy me things that I didn’t ask her for but she felt that she was being a parent by doing this so I let her.

-Part 1 of 3-

I try to keep each of these post to a 1k word average which is why this is part 1 of 3. Tune in soon for the part 2. Thank you for keeping in touch. You guys are awesome. Love you all,

DJ/Cho/Nar

10.25.18

Magandang Araw sa inyo (Good day everyone) [Filipino: English]

  I wanted to inform everyone that I am currently having cell phone problems and I don’t have enough money to go get the cell phone fixed due to some unexpected bills. I also left my flash drive at the library and by the time I came back to check on it the flash drive was taken. Luckily, someone had the power point that I saved on the flash drive. I am planning on buying more when I get home because flash drives are expensive here.

   Right now I’m waiting to go to a school event. Not having social media has become a real problem in the past few days because my classmates usually try to message me about an assignment or make announcements. I had to pay a fee because I wasn’t aware that we were going to wear our uniform on a different day than usual.

   I don’t remember the last time that I wrote to y’all but I do know that some of you are reading these despite me not posting them on social media so that makes me happy. Thank you. I will post them when I get the chance I suppose. I’m having to depend on my cousin’s phone at the moment. I can use my phone…but it had to be on a charger and since I’m not using the phone the battery doesn’t die. I don’t like keeping a device that is fully charged on a charger.

  My Filipino is improving. Although, I still lack in being able to communicate without a pen and paper. My teacher asked me why I need to write the English sentence down before saying the Filipino sentence. I don’t translate the sentence on paper but I look at the words and I can then structure the sentence into what I am trying to say.

  This post will be short because I don’t have much time but I do want all of you to know that I’m doing okay and I haven’t taken my midterms yet. Me and my Filipino teacher are getting along. Although, the content is hard I’m doing my best to learn it.

  To tell everyone the truth. I’m thinking of changing courses after this second semester due to the simple fact that I don’t think that I’ll be able to learn two languages fluently by the time my second semester is over. I still want to study at the university but I’m going to look at see what other course I can take so that I have more time to hone in on my Filipino and Ilokano.

  Most of the people I interact with don’t preferably speak Filipino, they speak Ilokano. My cousin saw my Filipino homework and told me that I’m better at writing in Filipino than he is so I shouldn’t ask him for help. However, when it comes to Ilokano he can help. The problem in that case is that his Ilokano is a mix between Itneg and Ilokano.

  I’m thinking about pursuing communication or linguistic if they have it. I don’t want to go for technology and I don’t want to teach only one subject. The degree is meant for a way to say that I am capable of teaching that way I’ll have certificate proving that my tutoring methods are good.

  That’s all the time I have for now. Sorry that I won’t be able to answer anyone’s facebook messages. I’ll try to post on Wattpad when I’m near a computer with internet. Again, thanks guys for keeping up with me. I miss each and everyone of you. If you are a person that has not met me but you’re reading my blog I want to tell you that I appreciate you. You are taking the time to listen and that’s all that 

matters to me.

Till next time,

DJ/Cho/Nar