10.1.18:
I want to start with... Today someone in my life was lost to what sounds to be suicide. I don't have verification yet but I do know that yesterday, I felt that I wanted to quit. I didn't. Despite the lack of resources I had. I tried to write my last letter. I ended up being to tired to follow through.
Jordan,
I wish it was me. I don't know what caused you to give up. But I was there yesterday and now I realize that your departure was what I felt. You called out to me, yet I didn't understand who was trying to talk to me. I didn't know that you felt the way I felt. I don't have regrets. But I do know that you mean a lot to the people around me and I never thought negative of you. You're in a better place now. But had I only listened, you could have been lived another day.
No, I don't blame Jordan's death of myself. But I do understand suicidal thoughts on a personal level. When it comes down to it, people who feel that way don't want to reach out. They feel that they are a burden on others. They don't know how to speak their mind. Suicide has a different language that those who experience a personal bond with it can only understand.
We know we should reach out. But we can't say the words literally. We don't know how people will react. They might send us to an asylum. Whereas, some people see this as 'getting help', others see this as being placed in a jail for the mentally insane.
Whatever was on Jordan's mind. I wish he would have said it. No matter how far my classmates from school go, I still care about all of you and I want you all to know that. What I remember about Jordan was his smile. There was a light in his eyes and he always seemed to be having a good time.
But now I know that there was something deeper. Something that... Had I taken the time to think about it, I would have saw it. No one deserves to think that they can't make it anymore. If anyone ever needs someone to talk to please reach out to me. I care about you. Even if we have never spent any time together. I want you all to know that I'm here. I may be 13 hours ahead of those who are at home but that comes to an advantage. I'm awake when others are not and I'm here. I always will be.
As I said, I almost gave up yesterday. And it pains me to know that it could have been both of us. I can't save him now. But I can save the next person. He was a good guy. We were never personally close. But he was close to my friends and that's enough to make him close to me.
Rest easy, J. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you.
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The following is a rough draft of my thoughts on 9.22.18. Let me know your thoughts on the junk that was on my mind.
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9.22.18
The
longer I stay in this country the more I realize how poor it is. Where I come
from, there has been trial and error. There has been advancement. In my
homeland I am luckier than I realize. Here, there are perks but they come with
a cost.
My dream
was originally to fix the US education system. But I see now that I need to do
more than that. I was brought to this country to make a difference. I know that
I'll need a lot of help in order to get my dream's achievement where it need to
be.
Who,
What, When, Where, Why, and How?
Who will
I be affecting?
I'll need
to start with the US education system. While I'm doing that I can reach out to
the Philippine's education system.
Who am I focusing on?
Since I'm
getting a General Education degree I will begin with elementary students and
Filipino adults who want to learn a language. Either English, Filipino, or
Ilokano. (US)
(PI) The
college is truly where I want to focus my efforts. If I get everything secured
then I can bring people into my cause and that will help spread my views over
the years and all over the Philippines.
I want to
start small goals to help the elementaries as well. The ones I have to interact
with or the ones that are close to my family. The names Gallardo and Compal
will be engraved in anything I do.
What am I trying to do in general?
Educate
people who are willing to be educated. I want to reach out to people who cannot
afford education. I want to tutor people who are willing to learn no matter
what age. (US)
Bring
people into my cause so that I can spread the effort of what I would like to
change in the Philippines through other people. (PI)
Examples:
People
who have missed their opportunity in getting a High School Diploma need to get
a GED 'General Education Diploma?' I want to help those people.
Children
who have teachers who do not understand them need help as well. I want to work
with parents to see that their child needs a one on one tutor instead of a
classroom setting.
People
who were not given the opportunity to learn the language of the Philippines
(Filipinos specifically). (US)
Generally, the Philippines is poor. I want to
help bring money into the Philippines as well as have money be taken out.
Mother Nature is very strong in this country. I
want to help figure out how to help in times of crisis.
I want to start a recycling company here as well.
It would help with the trash. (PI)
When do I plan to have this done?
In truth
I don't know. This will take a long time whether it is in the Philippines or
not. I need to seek organizations that already exist that deal with recycling
and multicultural awareness.
When I
finish college here in the Philippines I will begin my quest in the US
The
project that I am setting in the Philippines will take a lot of time. They do
things very old fashion here so I can only work in the old fashion manner. Not
everyone likes change. But those who are willing to change are who I will work
with.
Where am
I going to start?
In San
Angelo, Texas. My hometown. Between the time that I'm in college and the time
that I go home (June and July) I will work with my city. My family is involved
in an organization so I have the resources to reach out.
Once I
graduate I will begin in Georgia. I want to be with my friends for a month. I
want to reach out to that state since they are there. Eventually, I want to
visit all my friends across the states. I have a goal to visit all 50.
If things
go right I'll also have a way to begin in Virginia. (US)
My plan will have to start in Vigan City. There
is more money there. Then, I will reach out to Paltoc and slowly work between
the two points until they meet. I'll hire my family and have them work for me.
I will
work with the people who were willing to work with me here. My classmates, my
college peers, the teachers- anyone who was willing to look at me and not think
negative of me. I want to help them.
Why?
People
should not be forced to not have an education. It should be a choice. If
someone simply does not want to have an education that is fine. That is their
choice. But a person should be given the oppertunity to be educated. Not
everyone understands what opportunities they have in life.
As long
as a person is willing to learn then they should have that opportunity.
Educating the next generation will leave a legacy that may bring more dangerous
problems but it will solve others as well. (US)
The
Philippines is a home that I never had. Now that I'm an adult I want to make it
a better place. And not a place that gives out younger woman because they need
a citizenship. There has to be another way. I want to bring people over through
different means.
There's a
lot of potential in the Philippines. All around the world Filipinos make their
mark. It's my turn. (PI)
How
I will
have to begin at my schools. Lake View High School and Lincoln Middle School.
Later I can reach out to Howard Community College and Angelo State University.
I need to get to know my elementary. It seems like a new place to me but it was
still my elementary and I need to give back to it.
The Asian
American Association of Women is growing. I want to assist in its growth. I am
supposed to be a member.
I'll look
up any organization that is based in San Angelo and reach out to them first.
(US)
Vigan
City is where I will be for most of my school time here. I will begin in Vigan.
I'll invest into the college and make it a better place. Hopefully. But I will
also do small improvements of my own. Personal goals like helping the family
out. There needs to be money that comes into the Philippines but they also need
someone who will come back and not for vacation purposes. None of the money
that comes into the Philippines that I see is being used to bring in revenue
and I want to make a difference in that.
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If anyone every needs someone to talk to, please reach out to me. You can reach me on my Facebook, Instagram, If you know me in person in the Philippines please ask me for my number, I have an email, you can also reach out to me through this blog. You can also reach out to my Wattpad
However you may reach me. Please try, I am always willing to listen. Till next time, DJ/Cho/Shinar
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