Good day everyone!
I have thirty minutes to pass so I thought I might update you all on how I'm doing. This month is midterms. The College of Teacher Education is responsible for paperwork so depending on the position of the teacher the schedule of the midterm for that class may or may not be set. Right now, I have not taken any exams.
Stress has hit me real hard. Some of you may or may not know this but I'm an introvert who has anxiety and depression. Due to that, socially interacting with people makes me tired. I don't want people's attention but in order to learn the language here and convert into the culture I have to interact with people. Otherwise, I won't learn anything.
Recently, I've been struggling. I haven't written anything, I haven't been reading, when I get home I go to sleep and wake up at midnight if not, later. I think I'm eating alright but that's only because I eat with other people who can't function without eating their breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snacks in between.
A good thing is that I've made friends. I also have many acquaintances but I can safely say that I feel closer to my 'section' as people call it here, and I feel closer to this school in general. My skin is adjusting but I still need my medicines in order to clear up my skin. What people don't realize here is that the air pollution along with the humidity and the water that I take a bath with effect my skin. My diet also effects my skin but my diet here isn't that bad. Have I mentioned that I've lost 20 pounds since I've come to the Philippines? That's 10 kilos I think.
Microsoft Office: In this country Microsoft Office, Excel, Word, and Powerpoint come with every laptop. Must be nice! I had someone install them for me and he even gave me Photoshop as well as a Video Editor. I'm thinking about starting short vlog videos and uploading them at computer shops (Internet cafes). That's if I get around to it.
My Southern Accent: A lot of people ask me to use my southern accent but I haven't used it since April. When I talk to one of my friends on the phone he makes fun of me because I have to think about what I want to say in English even though I'm not fluent in either Filipino or Ilokano. I was thinking to take a video of me speaking in my normal accent but I have literally rewired my brain not to use it so it's very hard for me to switch. Although, when I sing my accent kicks in a lot of times so I was thinking to sing a song to help the people hear what my accent sounds like.
Country music has never been a genre that I place in front of my representation list whenever I tell people what kind of music I listen to. Normally, I listen to it with family and a few friends but that's all. Occasionally I'll listen to it on my own. But now everyone wants to hear songs in that genre and I only know 2! In this country I sing because everyone likes to sing here, where they are good or bad. So the way I see it, the people here have heard worse from my singing. Most people like my singing. I haven't had an insults on it yet.
The two country songs I know are "Take Me Home Country Roads by John Denver" which is more of a classic in my opinion and "I Love This Bar by Toby Keith". So, I guess I'll need to touch up on my country genre history because I can't sing "I Love This Bar" to all my audiences.
My go-to song when I sing is "Your Guardian Angel by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus." I've learned how to read the song "Ikaw by Yeng Constantino" which is a love song in Tagalog. I'm getting better at reading Filipino but I'm not able to explain what the words mean or understand what I'm saying.
Recently, one of my friends was admitted into the hospital and was positive for dengue. He's out of the hospital now, thankfully. But it made me realize something. The night he was admitted, no one knew what was wrong with him but I was having my own issues. I haven't taken my anxiety pills since I landed in this country but I think I'm going to have to start again.
It's hard to ask for help from people when everyone is stressed, when no one speaks your language fluently, and despite this being an emotional country, no one really knows how to deal with an emotional situation. Not that people in American know how to do this either but at least there, it's easier to ask a stranger for help than it is here. I needed someone and I didn't go to anyone because it was late. I broke down and almost gave up on myself.
The next day, one of my friends was announced to have committed suicide (if this subject makes you uncomfortable stop reading because from here on I'm going to be serious). It shook me to know that the night before, had I gave it, it would have been me and him. I couldn't stop thinking "It should have been me." But the fact was, it wasn't.
Then I found out about my friend who was admitted into the hospital and that he was positive for dengue. Dengue can be fatal if not treated properly and right away. Luckily, he was admitted in time to be saved. I didn't tell him why I continued to be there for him. He complemented me and said, "You're like a mother. Always watching out for our class." and I smiled at that.
My anxiety pills are in San Emilio at the moment and I don't have enough money to go home. I have enough to go once but I will be going next week instead of this week because my grandmother's birthday is next week. I wish I could visit every weekend but the truth is, ,me and my cousin do not have enough money to do so. It's literally too expensive.
I'm bringing this up to you all because I want you all to know how much the messages through messenger mean to me. I like it when people tag me in funny things or tag me in general on facebook. It gives me something to look at. I don't know if I'll ever be comfortable with someone here to share my actual feelings about the subject of suicide but I know I've written about it. I wrote it to my teachers and I don't know some of them have read it because it changed how they approached me but it the change wasn't bad. Well, I've run out of time.
Y'all me a lot to me. Everyone who takes their time to read these and not say anything make me happy because you've taken your time to read over what I have had to say. Message me sometime. Tag me in funny things. I usually get on facebook to laugh but I also have to use my facebook for communication. I have other poems up also in my wattpad which I'll be posting a list later on when I have more time.
Thanks for listening y'all
DJ/Cho/Shinar
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