Did you know (1)

 

Question of the Day #1

 

Answer

Games in the Philippines are mainly PC. I tried to get my classmates into D&D but I overthought it so we didn't get a chance to play. But most games are either gambling related or on the computer. 

Video games are seen in a negative manner. Games in general are only for children. 

It's sad really. People don't see that games can be used outside of the entertainment for children. There are tournaments for PC games. They play League/Mobile Legends. Outside of that game I haven't seen many.

They do play game apps on their phones but outside of those cases that's all that exists in the gaming world. 

(For most of the population that doesn't have fast internet or is lacking in technology) 

Now in Manila, it's different. Think of Manila as New York for the Philippines. The only experience that I I had in Manila where a few nights because I stayed with my cousin due to paperwork not being correct so I couldn't leave the country.

There was someone who had a PS3 (?) I may be wrong about the console but they had a gaming console. The fact that they had a gaming console and that was the only console that I saw in the whole year living there should give some perspective on the lack of technology since I want a lot of places lol.

So outside of gambling card games there are no card games.

October 12th: On the Road to Recovery Part II

 

Hey everyone,

(This is part two of on the way to recovery If you would like to read part one first or if you haven't read part one yet here's the link: 

I know this update is later than what I had said. However, life is different. Adjusting to this new me is difficult. Alan told me that I have been acting different despite the medicine.

Currently, I am on 10mg of amitriptyline to help with my anxiety and depression. It is also supposed to help with lowering my blood pressure. From what I gather from my visits up until now my blood pressure has gone down in general. However, based on the visits with my physical therapist my blood pressure is sensitive.

This week, I went to the concussion doctor (October 12th) but we had to do a phone call meeting due to the fact that my sinus issues have flared up. I then called my physical therapist and asked what they wanted to do and they said to go ahead and cancel this week's appointment and to get back with them next week.

Sinus issues used to be a monthly problem for me. When I went to the Philippines and came back, however, my sinus issues disappeared. I know that if I eat dairy or gluten products that my sinus issues flare up again and I have done that recently due to me having a "fuck it" attitude.

Alan has been upset with me because I have been reckless due to this 'fuck it" attitude. I know that he is concerned and is watching out for me. However, he can only say so much and it boils down to what I decide to do. Especially, when he is not around. 

What led up to this attitude was because of the stress load that I have acquired in this last week. Last week on the 8th I got fired. I knew that they would eventually fire me for some reason because I was on worker's compensation. My brother explain to me that workers compensation is expensive and he explained it from a business point of view why people get fired due to the compensation. He said it's not right, but there are reasons for a business to fire someone because of that. And I get it. Right now, they are paying my physical therapy, they are paying for my medicine, they're paying for every single doctor's visit that has to deal with this concussion. I'm going to neurotherapy but I'm also about to go to speech therapy due to the issues in the speed in which my brain processes information. These bills add up and I'm glad that they're pairing it. On top of that, they have to pay me weekly. They have to pay me 70% of my manager pay when I was working there.

I have appointments until the end of November. So, I know that I have at least these checks to get me through. At the same time though, I can't work. The concussion doctor said that they have a program they can put me through that will help me get myself rehired through whatever job that will accept me.

When I told him that I got fired, he said, "...Yeah...That happens sometimes when people get on workers compensation. But don't worry, let's get you better, think positive. after you're fully recovered, we can put you through a program and we'll help you get rehired." 

This concussion doctor is what I expect a doctor to be. The same goes for the neurotherapy therapists that I've seen. They don't belittle me, they explain what's going on, they don't jump hoops or not listen to what I have to say. These people, if I didn't have them, I would be a wreck. If I had doctors like the first one I had to go to I know that I would not be okay right now. And I wasn't for those first two weeks. So I'm really thankful for these doctors that I've had to interact with. They don't treat me as if I'm faking it. They listen to me. They take my opinion into account after that.

This whole situation is frustrating. They know that. And I'm really glad that they don't tell me, oh you'll get over it. Instead, they say, "We're here for you and it's okay to be frustrated. It's okay to not feel yourself. Yes, it will take some time but try to think positive." 

When I go into these doctor visits they always have to check my symptoms. they have to ask these questions and I have to put a number to it. And both places (whoever the nurse may be/therapist may be) they always say, "It's hard to put a number to it." 

Alan said that I am acting more emotional and when the doctor asked me about it I gave him a lower number. Personally, I don't see myself getting as emotional. But Alan is around me most of the time. So, if he says I'm being more emotional then... I believe him. 

I'm not one of those people who likes asking for help. I know what I'm capable of. Right now though, I'm not the same person as I was on the 7th of September. And I have to constantly remind myself that I am not that person. honestly, I don't know if I'll ever be the same person as I was on the 7th of September. In a way, maybe this is a journey to understanding who I'm going to be once this is over.

The physical therapy doctor told me that I need to walk 10 minutes a day twice a day. Today, after the concussion doctor, I took Rylla (chihuahua rat terrier) and Dexter (Chihuahua wiener dog mix) out for a 10-minute walk. When I was at the physical therapy doctor last week, I got tired after 10 minutes of us walking. Today, that happened again.

It is so frustrating to know that I can't even walk 10 minutes without feeling tired. However, I know that this is part of the recovery phase. I know that I can do this. 10 minutes will become 20 or 15 by next week. Or, it'll stay the same because they don't want me to push myself too much and that's okay. But the amount of frustration that I feel more than anything else is unbearable. Being told that I am not able to do something because of my condition is equivalent to being told that I can't do something. That, I am not allowed to do something.

My body however, heals at its own pace. And, it's not about my body. It's about my brain. I want to laugh about it. I want to laugh because I don't want to feel bad about this whole ordeal. And eventually, I'm sure I will. But right now, I can't find myself laughing. sometimes, I can make a joke about it. Like right now I can't listen to music. All I'm listening to right now is 'nature sounds' as a playlist. And I told my coworker before I got fired when he came in and heard me listening to it that, "I can't listen to music. It says off my anxiety. so all I got are these waves. These ocean waves these forest crickets these... You know, I'm like outside but I'm not outside. But hey no Lady Gaga right now lol just water. Waterfalls... Listening to a forest that I probably will never meet. For the flow of a river. That's all I got." 

It's good to know that there is an end to this. It's good to know that eventually, I will be able to build up my tolerance again. These imaginary barriers and stop signs will eventually go away. One day, I can feel not slowed down. I can walk outside for longer than 10 minutes and not get tired. I can go to a restaurant which is playing music and has the rush hour. I can ignore what's going on around me, but I can still process it. Right now, I can't process everything. All my brain does it shuts it out, it's still there, I hear the noise but I can't understand it.

Right now everything is white noise. But, it'll clear up. I know that How I feel about this condition will only hinder the healing process. If I don't go out for those walks, if I don't do the exercises that they told me to do, then this is going to take a lot longer for me to heal.

Normally, I don't write a thank you letter to my doctors. But, I haven't really had to go to the doctor consistently in a long time. At the end of this, I think that that I'll write all of the doctors and nurses a letter letting them know that I really appreciate what they do. That I've had bad experiences with doctors before and I know other people have. However, these people that I have met through this hard time in my life are not those people. But they are what I expect doctors to be. And I'm so grateful. Because, in order to get better there needs to be a support system. These people are part of that support system. 

There are people that go into the profession for the money. then there are people who go in because they actually care about people and these people that I've met are those people who actually care. It says a lot to me, personally, Because I've met both. And I know I'm not the only one. The letter may not the super meaningful to them. I may be just another number. But I'm going to let them know that I don't feel that way with them. But I'll remember who they are, and that's a lot to me.

In the last post I'm pretty sure I wrote that I was frustrated about the first doctor. I am positive at least that message was clear. I explained that this whole thing was frustrating and it still is. 

For those who are seeing this and do not understand what happened, I explain what happened in the first post.

Thank you for listening everyone, last time I checked which was the day after I posted the previous post, there were 25 views and a comment. People reached out to me and I want to say thank you to those people. for those people who read it and didn't say anything, who kept me in your thoughts anyway, but didn't say anything to me, thank you anyway!

I know that not everybody is going to talk to me about it, and I know that I can only handle talking to so many people, which is why I'm thankful for people reading what I have to say in the first place. Thank you for reaching out to me, and thank you for reading what I have to say. I appreciate every single one of you even if I don't know exactly who you are. But, I do know that you know me, even if you know me through my words because you've met me through Wattpad, or if you're a person I added because you were willing to listen to me when I needed someone to be there (yet we haven't met). I'm thankful for those who read what I have to say because you actually know who I am. You've met me, and you know how I feel, But we haven't seen each other in years. That's okay, because I know we have our separate lives. No matter how you know me and how I know you (or of you) in the end, you are here right now reading what I have to say, You're listening, you're thinking about me, you care about me, and because of that, thank you.

This is a time in my life I never thought I'd have to go through. People have told me, that they would be afraid. And I'm not. But, I know that other people are afraid for me. And that, makes me aware of the fear that I could have. Slowly, I will get better. All I can do, is move forward

Thank you all again,

DJ, Nar, Cho