Week 25: A General Idea of What's On My Mind

10.1.18:

 I want to start with... Today someone in my life was lost to what sounds to be suicide. I don't have verification yet but I do know that yesterday, I felt that I wanted to quit. I didn't. Despite the lack of resources I had. I tried to write my last letter. I ended up being to tired to follow through.

  Jordan, 

  I wish it was me. I don't know what caused you to give up. But I was there yesterday and now I realize that your departure was what I felt. You called out to me, yet I didn't understand who was trying to talk to me. I didn't know that you felt the way I felt. I don't have regrets. But I do know that you mean a lot to the people around me and I never thought negative of you. You're in a better place now. But had I only listened, you could have been lived another day. 

  No, I don't blame Jordan's death of myself. But I do understand suicidal thoughts on a personal level. When it comes down to it, people who feel that way don't want to reach out. They feel that they are a burden on others. They don't know how to speak their mind. Suicide has a different language that those who experience a personal bond with it can only understand. 

  We know we should reach out. But we can't say the words literally. We don't know how people will react. They might send us to an asylum. Whereas, some people see this as 'getting help', others see this as being placed in a jail for the mentally insane. 

  Whatever was on Jordan's mind. I wish he would have said it. No matter how far my classmates from school go, I still care about all of you and I want you all to know that. What I remember about Jordan was his smile. There was a light in his eyes and he always seemed to be having a good time. 

  But now I know that there was something deeper. Something that... Had I taken the time to think about it, I would have saw it. No one deserves to think that they can't make it anymore. If anyone ever needs someone to talk to please reach out to me. I care about you. Even if we have never spent any time together. I want you all to know that I'm here. I may be 13 hours ahead of those who are at home but that comes to an advantage. I'm awake when others are not and I'm here. I always will be.

  As I said, I almost gave up yesterday. And it pains me to know that it could have been both of us. I can't save him now. But I can save the next person. He was a good guy. We were never personally close. But he was close to my friends and that's enough to make him close to me. 

  Rest easy, J. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you. 

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The following is a rough draft of my thoughts on 9.22.18. Let me know your thoughts on the junk that was on my mind. 

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9.22.18

  The longer I stay in this country the more I realize how poor it is. Where I come from, there has been trial and error. There has been advancement. In my homeland I am luckier than I realize. Here, there are perks but they come with a cost.

  My dream was originally to fix the US education system. But I see now that I need to do more than that. I was brought to this country to make a difference. I know that I'll need a lot of help in order to get my dream's achievement where it need to be.

  Who, What, When, Where, Why, and How?

  Who will I be affecting?

  I'll need to start with the US education system. While I'm doing that I can reach out to the Philippine's education system.

Who am I focusing on?

  Since I'm getting a General Education degree I will begin with elementary students and Filipino adults who want to learn a language. Either English, Filipino, or Ilokano. (US)

  (PI) The college is truly where I want to focus my efforts. If I get everything secured then I can bring people into my cause and that will help spread my views over the years and all over the Philippines.

  I want to start small goals to help the elementaries as well. The ones I have to interact with or the ones that are close to my family. The names Gallardo and Compal will be engraved in anything I do.

What am I trying to do in general?

  Educate people who are willing to be educated. I want to reach out to people who cannot afford education. I want to tutor people who are willing to learn no matter what age. (US)

  Bring people into my cause so that I can spread the effort of what I would like to change in the Philippines through other people. (PI)

Examples:

  People who have missed their opportunity in getting a High School Diploma need to get a GED 'General Education Diploma?' I want to help those people.

  Children who have teachers who do not understand them need help as well. I want to work with parents to see that their child needs a one on one tutor instead of a classroom setting.

  People who were not given the opportunity to learn the language of the Philippines (Filipinos specifically). (US)

Generally, the Philippines is poor. I want to help bring money into the Philippines as well as have money be taken out.

Mother Nature is very strong in this country. I want to help figure out how to help in times of crisis.

I want to start a recycling company here as well. It would help with the trash. (PI)

When do I plan to have this done?

  In truth I don't know. This will take a long time whether it is in the Philippines or not. I need to seek organizations that already exist that deal with recycling and multicultural awareness.

  When I finish college here in the Philippines I will begin my quest in the US

  The project that I am setting in the Philippines will take a lot of time. They do things very old fashion here so I can only work in the old fashion manner. Not everyone likes change. But those who are willing to change are who I will work with.

  Where am I going to start?

  In San Angelo, Texas. My hometown. Between the time that I'm in college and the time that I go home (June and July) I will work with my city. My family is involved in an organization so I have the resources to reach out.

  Once I graduate I will begin in Georgia. I want to be with my friends for a month. I want to reach out to that state since they are there. Eventually, I want to visit all my friends across the states. I have a goal to visit all 50.

  If things go right I'll also have a way to begin in Virginia. (US)

My plan will have to start in Vigan City. There is more money there. Then, I will reach out to Paltoc and slowly work between the two points until they meet. I'll hire my family and have them work for me.

  I will work with the people who were willing to work with me here. My classmates, my college peers, the teachers- anyone who was willing to look at me and not think negative of me. I want to help them.

Why?

  People should not be forced to not have an education. It should be a choice. If someone simply does not want to have an education that is fine. That is their choice. But a person should be given the oppertunity to be educated. Not everyone understands what opportunities they have in life.

  As long as a person is willing to learn then they should have that opportunity. Educating the next generation will leave a legacy that may bring more dangerous problems but it will solve others as well. (US)

  The Philippines is a home that I never had. Now that I'm an adult I want to make it a better place. And not a place that gives out younger woman because they need a citizenship. There has to be another way. I want to bring people over through different means.

  There's a lot of potential in the Philippines. All around the world Filipinos make their mark. It's my turn. (PI)

How

  I will have to begin at my schools. Lake View High School and Lincoln Middle School. Later I can reach out to Howard Community College and Angelo State University. I need to get to know my elementary. It seems like a new place to me but it was still my elementary and I need to give back to it.

  The Asian American Association of Women is growing. I want to assist in its growth. I am supposed to be a member.

  I'll look up any organization that is based in San Angelo and reach out to them first. (US)

  Vigan City is where I will be for most of my school time here. I will begin in Vigan. I'll invest into the college and make it a better place. Hopefully. But I will also do small improvements of my own. Personal goals like helping the family out. There needs to be money that comes into the Philippines but they also need someone who will come back and not for vacation purposes. None of the money that comes into the Philippines that I see is being used to bring in revenue and I want to make a difference in that.

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  If anyone every needs someone to talk to, please reach out to me. You can reach me on my Facebook, Instagram, If you know me in person in the Philippines please ask me for my number, I have an email, you can also reach out to me through this blog. You can also reach out to my Wattpad

  However you may reach me. Please try, I am always willing to listen. Till next time, DJ/Cho/Shinar

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First Night At The Apartment!

7.16.18 Monday

  First night in the apartment! Whoa this whole dorm thing is super new to me. So I live more in a dorm than an apartment. There's a public kitchen, public bathroom/shower area, and a public place to wash your clothes. I'll make sure to take pictures. But man. Is it dusty up in this dorm! Whoever lived in the room I'm in smoked because as I was wiping down the area i could see that layer of yellow that I'm familiar with. I wiped my bed area twice and I'll go over it again later. Dust bunnies fell from the top bunk. Like. Oh no! This is NOT how i'm going to live lol. My feet were filthy at the bottom. There is a private kitchen area and bathroom as well.

  The only reason why I know there's a public bathroom is because I was in the public cooking area waiting for the water to boil in the kettle me and Dimer bought today and this guy that lives on the 3rd floor walks out with a towel slung iver his shoulder in the nude. I hear him and turn and he just grins and I'm like ....😅😶... *looks away quickly*

  He apparently hasn't had to deal with many attendants in the dorms since he moved in early. There's a balcony in the cooking area so I decided to open the sliding door to it and sit in the available chair which so happened to be next to his dorm.

  So he finishes showering, I look up again because I hear someone and he has that grin on his face again. This time, I smile back, just glad he has the towel around his waist this time.

  Like. There's no hope. I'm going to have to get to know him now. I've already seen more of him than I've asked for so. Welp.

  Today me and Dimer bought a kettle, 2 blankets, food for tonight, and 1 fan. I didnt have enough to buy two. Dimer is probably going to sleep with the windows open and I feel bad about that. I do know that if we get an AC (or Aircon as they keep calling it lol) it'll be in my room because Dimer cant stand the cold. He likes cool not cold. And he can take hot.

  Tomorrow I'll be going to an Elementary with one of my teachers. She is my (something about childrens behavior I think). I spent some time with her today. I also spent 1k for the kids and honestly I'm probably not going to do that again. It's not me being selfish but I can't flaunt my money around like that or people will think that I have an endless supply and the truth is, I don't.

  The teacher's name is Mrs. Alma. She has 3 kids so I'm assuming she's married but she may not be because she never mentioned a husband. She's super nice and we can make jokes with each other. I'll be handing out hygene supplies and teaching the kids the English Alphabet. In the Philippines they call the alphabet ABAKADA where as we call the alphabet The ABC's. She asked me to pick a song to teach them since I told her I could sing. (I should stop sharing information so blately lol it's like these people pay attention or something xD).

  I chose the ABC's because you can sing Twinkle Twinkle and other sings but I can't remember pther titles. Let me know if y'all can remember any with the same rhythem because if Mrs. Alma let's me go and interact with the kids again I will. (But i won't pay for her expeses).

  I don't want to remove my piercings in fear of lossing the holes but it's probably going to happen since the lip/mouth area is the fastest to heal. Welp. There goes $70 i suppose. Plus the amount i spent on piercings.

  Mrs. Alma said I'll be taking classes for 4 years and taking 1 intership year. That's longer than I thought but honestly. It's okay. I'll definatly be able to speak Ilocano, Tagalog, and Itneg by then. I still want to learn Spanish so for those of you who can speak it please! Help me out! I have Doulingo. But i dont always have connection.

  Alright. So. I have a lot of dedications written in my notes hut I havent posted any. So I'm thinking of having them separately listed later on that way people can read their dedication and I can know if I've dedicated to them already. I want to show my support for all my friends because all of you support me and that's what friends do!
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These dedications are for people who are currently stuggling. One way or another. I want them to know that I support them and I want you all to have them in your thoughts and/or in your prayers. Thank you ❤

Luna: Im sorry for your loss, Hun. Your brother will always be watching over you. I'm sure his love for you will always be within you. If I was there. I'd comfort you but this all I got. For those of you who pray, keep her in her prayers. And those of you who don't keep her in her thoughts. Lossing someone we love always hurts one way or another. Love ya girl, be strong!

Krystal Mirage: You always post beautiful pictures. I want you to know that (:. Everyone, my friend is going through a rough time. If you could keep them and their mother in your prayers that would help them spiritually.
  I dont have too many memories with William, but I do support everything he does.

Here's a link to his donation page everyone. As little as $5 will make a difference.

https://www.gofundme.com/road-to-recovery-for-teresa-moreno

Samantha Howell: Both of her parents were admitted into the hospital on the 11th. They both have chest pain and an additional health issue. We were in Band together back in High School. They are sp

ending their anniversary in the hospital so please! Keep them in your thoughts!!
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July 12 2013: #88: Loss of Jason Roberts. The time I felt the whole school's spirit shake

  I remember being on the computer at my sister's house while watching her dogs and a sudden feeling came over me. I stopped what I was doing and suddenly checked facebook. When something happens to my friends or something effecrs a mass of my friends I can feel it. And I don't know how else to explain that.

  I logged in my feed was full of sadness, heartache, and references that i didnt understand. All I knew was that someone had died. But who? So I google it and I find an interview with one of my elementary mates, Eli Peterson. Him and Jason had gone to the gym early that morning and now, suddenly, he was gone.

  My heart sank. All of the references suddenly made sense and I exited the browser to type a poem. A long one that I don't have a copy of. It was about Jason and how he changed the school how his smile lit up thehalls and his laugh was so joyful. He was really an inspiration. His favorite mlvie was the Titanic and he was going to be in football. He was in band as a bass clarinet player but he found more passion in football. Jason was one of thoee people who never frown. He always seemed so happy despite the hardship that I learned after this death. I could only imagine how his grandmother felt. She outlived not only her daughter (Jason's mother) but also her grandbaby. At the time, my heart didnt know how to take the news so I did what I could to participate in his honor. I went to his funeral, there was a candle cermeony, and I wrote the poem hoping that my care for him would be heard.

  This week marks 5 years since he departed and I can still feel his impact on the world. And honestly, I hope one day, I can have the same impact on others that he had. I had only one meory of Jason. One definate memory that I felt bad about. Back in Junior high I was very aggresive and he had made fun of me for being short so I grabbed his neck from behind, slung him down and began to kick him in the face. After that, we were good. He never made fun of me for being short. I don't care if someone makes fun of my height now. All I wish is that I had a better memory of Jason besides that. I guess his smile, laugh, and purity is enough to say that he made an impact in my life.

  For those of you who still think about Jason, don't worry. He's in our heart and he cared for each and every one of us. He wouldn't want us to be sad over his departure. Instead, we should look forward to seeing him and when that time comes, we can catch up. In the meantime, we should live like he did. Smile every day, be positive, and laugh like there's no tomorrow. Because you ever know what the future holds.