Week Thirty Two: 10.13.18 Part III

Part III

  In this country it is very hard to work and go to school. Something I also noticed was that people judge a lot here. Why? In America people judge all the time. But we’re taught that it doesn’t matter what they think. It matters if you’re happy. Here, what other people think controls what you do. And I learned when I was junior high (Grade 6 to 8) that living that way is stressful so I stopped caring about other peoples’ opinions and it gave me control over my life. I was able to determine my own happiness.

  Now I’ve gone off on a tangent. Sorry everyone. To answer another question… I don’t know who will be the one to take care of my Inang after my Uncle Krilo but the other purpose of the position is ‘who will take care of the family house’?

  The concept of a family house is really neat. In America, the family house is my Auntie Loca’s house. Everyone goes there to stay. I think the house before hers was my parents’ house when we lived on Grape Creek Road. One day, I hope to buy that area again. I have dreams about it. I don’t know why. But because of the dreams, it makes me want to buy the land.

  Overall, I want everyone to know that despite all my complaining today I’ve learned a lot since I’ve come to this country. However, I, myself, cannot act fully like them. I wish that I could but some things that they do I’ve trained myself not to do because it sets off my anxiety or my depression or it is flat out too stressful.

  Many people here look up to me because of my individualistic nature. I had to learn how to live with minimal guidance. Luckily my moral compass points in a just direction so I haven’t turned out to be on the bad side of the human population. I try to guide the people who ask me for guidance. But I also have to take in the cultural differences. I usually tell the person, “The American response would be…” vs “the Filipino response would be…”

  It’s hard for me to care about what strangers think of me. I care about what people think only when they are interactive in my life. And even when they state their opinion, I don’t live by it. I tell them that I respect their opinions but I’m going to do what I feel is right.

  People here care about what others think so much, it makes me wonder how they deal with the stress of letting others control their life. I stopped letting the person who were controlling my life have that authority by the age fourteen. I was so worried about what they thought, what they wanted, and how they wanted me to live that I was not happy with myself.

  Here, as long as the family is happy then everyone’s happy. And that’s not true. But I can’t change the people here. I don’t want to. I try to understand why they live the way they live and right now the main goal that I have is to learn the languages. When I’m writing like this I can think in perfect English. However, my spelling does go on an adventure because of the way I have to think on a daily basest.

  In person, my English has changed to try and adapt to the people here. I try to make myself understandable but not everyone does that for the people around them. I want to thank you guys for listening. I’ve said a lot today. I’m going to be posting this in three parts to try and spread out my notifications. I don’t like making people read too much when they’re trying to ‘checkup on me’ so if you’ve made it to the third post, congratulations.

  I know that many people read these because I see the amount of ‘reads’ on my blog and it makes me happy. Thank you all for caring about me. All of you want to see me succeed on my journey and I’m going to try my best. Even though I’m stressed, I know that I can push through it because of the amount of support I get from back home.

  I haven’t been posting pictures and I’m sorry about that. I’m going to do my best to keep you all updated and the reason why I’ve split this into three parts is because I need to post consistently. I’ve started to write on my laptop and I will transfer the post to my blog after I transfer it to my flash drive. Once I’ve done that, whenever I’m at a computer shop(Internet Café), I try to schedule post.

  As of right now, I have 5 post waiting to be scheduled. I also want to post my essays because I think they’re important enough for you all to read. Everything that I write about is a rough draft to the question ‘how am I going to improve the education system’ and I feel that all of you should read over them. I’d like to hear suggestion or remarks. Anything from y’all.

  I do know that many of you want me to do vlogs. And if I do eventually get around to it. I will keep them at a 5 to 10 minute average because it will allow me to post more. Although, it is difficult to post video because of how long it takes to upload these things. I can make videos and they’ll sit there. When I finally get around to them they take an hour if not longer to upload and it’s dreadful to sit there and wait for the file to upload.

  People have asked me if I have a youtube and I do. But I don’t use it. I think what I should do is have a topic for 5 minutes and tell y’all about it as much as I can. I don’t know how that’ll work but I do want to try. I’ve had to touch back up on my Wattpad so for those of you who have a Wattpad please follow me and I’ll follow you back as long as you tell me that you’ve followed me.

  Continue to tag me and message me. Please, if I don’t answer after a week, message me again because I have to use my messenger every day and many messages go unseen if I’m talking to more than one group or more than one person. I receive at least 20 different threads a day. 20. So just remember, I’m not ignoring you, I’m flooded with messages. Message me again to push your notification to the top. Tag me in anything funny, anything interesting. I don’t care what it is.

  I miss everyone. I’ll be home between semesters for sure. I love you guys. Thank you for listening. This is part 3 of 3. If you want to read Part 1 (here is the link) and if you want to read Part 2 (Here is the link).

DJ/CHO/NAR

Week Thirty One: 10.13.18 Part II

Part II

  Mom always has to complain about something. Whether it’s my dirty room, or if it’s something even more abstract… That’s how she shows that she cares. And it took me a very long time to understand how to function with the way she speaks. Many people think that I’m rude to my parents.

  I won’t deny it. I treat them pretty roughly but we’re not close and when we are together… Well, my mother is going deaf. She can’t hear me when I say something, so she’ll make me repeat it, around the third or fourth time, I’m shouting and then she gets upset because she can tell I’m yelling. But she heard me.

  It has always been a constant battle with my mother. And it took someone else to figure out why my mother and I have never been able to sync. I knew that mom and I had a culture barrier. But I didn’t know how to fix it and I didn’t know how to approach it. Until Volour laid it out for me. I was so annoyed. It took him a moment to see the culture effect on me and how it reflects on the ways my mother acts.

  Anyway, so the first position of taking care of Inang was designated to my Uncle Krilo. My mother is the financially ‘responsible’ one, and lastly, my Uncle Toto is the one who is considered the highest authority. This position as ‘highest authority’ cannot be given to a female. My family in San Emilio is very old fashion so men are ‘the most responsible’. When the truth is, you cannot be given the ability to be responsible. That is something that is learned. My Uncle Toto has pouted in front of me. I don’t think he’s done that in front of many people. I found it amusing.

  This grown man, about to becoming one of the financial responsible people in the family was pouting. I asked my uncle what I needed to do. And he sat there! He was fed up with what had not happened yet. He was stressed. It got to the point where I told him, “Alright. I’ll be right back.” And I proceeded to do what I needed to do without him.

  That act, usually is considered very rude in my family. I did not allow him to choice what I was going to do next. Instead, I saw how he was acting and acted on my own. I got the files I needed and returned to my uncle. He was surprised. Oh, she… got things done. Yes! Yes I did.

  My Uncle Toto and I have not be able to sync much. He reminds me of my mother. And he’s strict. I can handle him being strict. But. I can’t handle his unpredictable way of acting. He has a habit of inserting himself into people’s schedule and expect them to make him the first priority and I can’t do that all the time. I try to adjust to him but sometimes the fact is, people can’t stop what they are doing in the middle of doing whatever it is. Some can, but it depends on what they are schedule to do at that time.

  This next generation of responsibility is falling into my hands. At first, I did not think that I was considered one of the people in power but the truth, I’m my mother in this case. I’m the next person in the generation to take over that spot as of right now. I get the money from my mother and disperse it where she wants it to go. The next person who should be in this position is my eldest sister. However, I am the one who is physically in the Philippines which is why the responsibility falls into my hands.

  My cousin Malikai is the next person chosen to be in authority. However, he has never had to finance himself. He has never had a job. And he doesn’t know how to prioritize. I’ve asked him to get something done for me because I have to depend on him. However, he has not followed through. And at this point, I’m going to assume it will not get done.

  When I first got here I didn’t like my cousin. He is closer to my mother than I will ever be. He might as well be her son. I don’t feel that connection with my mother. I felt jealous. But I don’t feel that way anymore. The whole point of these positions in the family is to get as many people over to the U.S or get them overseas so that they can give back.

  Another thing I should mention is that if a person is gay or lesbian (mainly gay so for the guys)… They are not allowed to have one of these positions. The most responsible cousin I have is gay. And he has a degree, he knows what it’s like to work, he makes his own money… He is the one I consider to try and get to America because he has earned it.

  The next person who is supposed to get to the U.S after my Uncle Toto is my cousin Malikai. However… I’m going to let my mother deal with that because I see how my family acts here and I don’t like it. I like that we all eat together. I like that I have a family. But what I don’t like is to most of my family members, I’m not a person. I’m a coin purse.

  This is something that I’m not supposed to do but if my mother says that I need to give to a person, I don’t always. I don’t always because I know their habits. I know what will happen to that money. It’s like magic. To these people, they don’t know how to invest in their future with their money. They don’t know how to save…. These people are not financially literate.

  If it was up to me, I would teach them how to be financially literate. I didn’t learn how to be financially literate from my mom. I learned my eldest sister. She was the one who taught me how to finance. It’s simple really. When you get your money, you put the bills first, and you make a goal for a backup. That way, after you’ve hit your backup plan amount, and you’re able to pay your bills, the rest can be invested in something else. But not everyone gets that.

I try to keep each post to a one thousand word average so this is part two or three. If you did not read part one the link is here (link). Thank you all for tuning it. You’ll hear from me soon.

DJ/Cho/Nar

10.13.18 (Part 1 of 3)

Part I

  I’m not on board on how the school’s extracurricular activities are run. If some of you are reading this and you’re from the Philippines you’re going to think that I’m not accepting ‘how you do things in the Philippines’. And yes, that’s exactly it. But, I’m going to do what I’m told even though I don’t like it.

  In the Filipino culture everything is done as a community. Which means, if you do not participate (if you are not being part of the community) you get punished. The reason why I’m not on board with this is because this country already struggles financially. There is a gap between rich and poor. There is no middle.

  People who decide they don’t want to participate get fined. I’m going to use Socialization Night as my first example. At the time, if a person was an officer of any organization in the College of Teacher Education they were required to pay P300 and they had to attend the Socialization Night. Even if they did not attend, the officers had to pay the P300. Why?

  If one of you in the Philippines is reading this, I don’t want you to approach me and tell me, “Because that’s how we do things in the Philippines.” That’s not enough explanation. If someone has barely enough money to go to college and cannot make it to an extracurricular event then why punish them? That person will not be able to pay the fee. Because they’re poor.

  Filipinos are last minute. I’m glad that I learned to get away from that habit. It’s stressful, especially if the community depends on that organization or that person. What I don’t understand is that even if a person is not interested in being a member of certain organization in the CTE (College of Teacher Education) they are in it.

  Again, I will reference Socialization Night. I was planning on going without being required to go. However, I was later informed that I had to go to Socialization Night because I was an officer. That killed my vibe on wanting to go to the event. I went, but to be honest, I could have saved that P300 for meals between me and my cousin instead of investing in the Student Council’s event.

  Many of the students, especially first years, didn’t want to pay P300 because they still owed money on books, on their uniform, on some bill that they needed to pay for school. And I understood that. The officers of the Student Council were not happy that the first years (who were not officers) did not want to participate. P300 is a lot here. Especially for an entrance fee. To give a perspective on how much that is…

  At a karenderia (mom and pop restaurant sort of) I can spent P20 on my food and P10 on water. That’s P30. I could but 10 meals verses going to this Socialization night. Now of course, I’m also paying for my cousin so technically, this would buy is 6 meals because if there are two of us it averages to P50 per meal although it’s not always.

  It aggravates me that there is hardly any planning in this country. My uncle has shown up in Vigan, without warning, then got upset that I was not available. Uh, yea. You didn’t tell me that you were heading this way. And I sort of have class. So… It’s not that I’m trying to avoid you… It’s that you decide insert yourself into my schedule and that got upset because it didn’t work.

  That incident made my uncle not like me because he is the authority over me. I’ve never been able to sync with authority. I don’t rebel… I just don’t bow down at a moment’s notice. I would do horrible in the military. I need to know why I’m bowing. I need to why this person is above me. And the reason of ‘just because’ has never been suitable or me.

  The way my family functions on my mother’s side is split into three responsibilities. Who is going to take care of Inang (The world literally means ‘Mother’ in Ilokano but she is my grandmother), who will be finically responsible, and who will be in charge? In the previous generation the people are… *I have made up names so that they do not feel as intimidated by me talking about them. Filipinos are very prideful but it’s also to respect their privacy* My Uncle Krilo is in charge of taking care of Inang. And because of that, he is not allowed to be the responsible one.

  Financially, my mother is the one responsible for everyone and I have never supported this idea. In the Philippines it is culture to give back to the family. That, I do understand. But first, in order to give back, a person needs to take care of themselves. I hate to say this, but I’m more finically literate than my own mother. There’s a word here that they use to describe ‘giving back to the family’.

  What I understand is that, as a Filipino I need to help my family out. I get it. That’s a community based rule. However, a lot of times, many people who are in the position that my mother is in, don’t know how to spend their money. Or, the people who are receiving the money are not using it efficiently.

  I had no idea that my family did not own a vehicle in this country! What? Twenty-one years of coming to visit and it wasn’t until I live here that I learned the real issues they’re going through. When I was younger, I would get upset about this whole situation. Why is mom giving to the Philippines and not taking care of herself? I learned from her that I need to take care of myself first.

  My mother has a habit of stressing over any and everything. Which is why I don’t tell her everything. I tell her important details but in the family here, everyone tells her everything. That allows her to worry. And I try my best not to let her worry about me. Back home, I didn’t turn to my mother for help unless I really needed it. Half the time she would ask me to go to store with her so that she would buy me things that I didn’t ask her for but she felt that she was being a parent by doing this so I let her.

-Part 1 of 3-

I try to keep each of these post to a 1k word average which is why this is part 1 of 3. Tune in soon for the part 2. Thank you for keeping in touch. You guys are awesome. Love you all,

DJ/Cho/Nar

10.25.18

Magandang Araw sa inyo (Good day everyone) [Filipino: English]

  I wanted to inform everyone that I am currently having cell phone problems and I don’t have enough money to go get the cell phone fixed due to some unexpected bills. I also left my flash drive at the library and by the time I came back to check on it the flash drive was taken. Luckily, someone had the power point that I saved on the flash drive. I am planning on buying more when I get home because flash drives are expensive here.

   Right now I’m waiting to go to a school event. Not having social media has become a real problem in the past few days because my classmates usually try to message me about an assignment or make announcements. I had to pay a fee because I wasn’t aware that we were going to wear our uniform on a different day than usual.

   I don’t remember the last time that I wrote to y’all but I do know that some of you are reading these despite me not posting them on social media so that makes me happy. Thank you. I will post them when I get the chance I suppose. I’m having to depend on my cousin’s phone at the moment. I can use my phone…but it had to be on a charger and since I’m not using the phone the battery doesn’t die. I don’t like keeping a device that is fully charged on a charger.

  My Filipino is improving. Although, I still lack in being able to communicate without a pen and paper. My teacher asked me why I need to write the English sentence down before saying the Filipino sentence. I don’t translate the sentence on paper but I look at the words and I can then structure the sentence into what I am trying to say.

  This post will be short because I don’t have much time but I do want all of you to know that I’m doing okay and I haven’t taken my midterms yet. Me and my Filipino teacher are getting along. Although, the content is hard I’m doing my best to learn it.

  To tell everyone the truth. I’m thinking of changing courses after this second semester due to the simple fact that I don’t think that I’ll be able to learn two languages fluently by the time my second semester is over. I still want to study at the university but I’m going to look at see what other course I can take so that I have more time to hone in on my Filipino and Ilokano.

  Most of the people I interact with don’t preferably speak Filipino, they speak Ilokano. My cousin saw my Filipino homework and told me that I’m better at writing in Filipino than he is so I shouldn’t ask him for help. However, when it comes to Ilokano he can help. The problem in that case is that his Ilokano is a mix between Itneg and Ilokano.

  I’m thinking about pursuing communication or linguistic if they have it. I don’t want to go for technology and I don’t want to teach only one subject. The degree is meant for a way to say that I am capable of teaching that way I’ll have certificate proving that my tutoring methods are good.

  That’s all the time I have for now. Sorry that I won’t be able to answer anyone’s facebook messages. I’ll try to post on Wattpad when I’m near a computer with internet. Again, thanks guys for keeping up with me. I miss each and everyone of you. If you are a person that has not met me but you’re reading my blog I want to tell you that I appreciate you. You are taking the time to listen and that’s all that 

matters to me.

Till next time,

DJ/Cho/Nar

9.29.18

9.29.18

  Today I was able to talk to the teacher who I had an issue with and she was able to teach me. Her teaching methods aren't the easiest for me to understand but I do feel that today we were able to break some tension between us. She understands now that I have been exposed to many languages and because of that, it is not easy for me to learn.

  From my experience here, I can safely say that language learning IS NOT one of the easier subjects for me to pick up on. The more I learn the languages here, the more inaccurate my spelling in English becomes.

  I'm having to read over the English language so I can teach it properly. If anything, by the time I leave here I can have a basic teaching plan for English. My main issue right now with my language learning is that I have notes EVERYWHERE. I write on what I have at the time and I'm learning from different people. I have friends who are willing to teach me, I have 3 teachers teaching me the languages now.

  Out of all the languages, I'm the most accurate in Ilokano. By the end of this semester, if I pass everything, I will ask the Dean if I will be allowed to be in a Filipino and Ilokano class for the next semester. Or, I will request that I continue to have tutoring classes.

  By the time I reach my third year I will need to be able to teach Filipino. Here, a General Education degree will allow me to teach up to 6th grade (Grade 6). I'll probably specify somewhere between Kinder and 3rd. In 4th they begin to teach English and I would rather use my English the least amount possible.

  I don't know if the teacher will allow it when I start my practice teaching but I'll always translate myself in English. That way, the children are exposed to English, even if they're not using it.

  Right now, I'm uploading videos via Bluetooth because my phone refuses to pick up on my phone even though it's charging it... I need to buy Microsoft. My computer has the apps but they won't work unless I have a subscription. Microsoft is the same price here as it is in America. I was told that there are other places to get it installed but I haven't found it yet.

  There is a lot of work that needs to be done in my apartment. The maintained people are working on our bathroom at the moment. The ceiling anyways. The landlord said that they would fix something every Sunday. Today I came home to them fixing the bathroom.

  It makes me happy that they're willing to fix everything in this apartment. The way things are done here are completely different from home. I also find it amusing that one of the guys is wearing a 'Hertz' shirt from the company back home. There isn't a 'Hertz' here but whoever sent that used to work for the company. I always find it funny when I see people wearing work shirts form the US.

  What I would really like right now is to be able to sleep but I don't think I'll be able to with the construction. Plus, I need to finish uploading all these videos. It's only 4pm but I feel very tired. On Friday, I went to the University clinic to get a checkup and the clinic gave me medicine for free. I feel bad because I would rather the free medicine go to someone who cannot afford it but I had been sick for a whole week before I went to them.

  The doctors were upset because I waited a week. But I told them that usually my sinus goes away after three to five days and I don't normally feel fatigue. Since I had been through the symptoms before I didn't want to trouble them. But after a week I didn't know how much more I could take. This sinus infection is worse than I thought. I'm just glad Dimer hasn't shown any signs of what I have because if he did, I don't know if I would have the patience to deal with him. (lol).

  What is due this coming week? By Monday, I'm supposed to learn how to dance to the song 'Hand Clap by Fitz and The Tantrums. We have a skit to perform. (I don't have a huge role). In one of my classes, the group I'm in needs to create a song that expresses the stages of human development. We have a photo essay (?) from what my friend said, it's a representing word with pictures.

  Elementary teachers are expected to be the most creative people. Art is a language I can speak. But actual languages and speaking them isn't as easy for me. If anything, if I had a choice, I'd learn Ilokano first but Filipino is a class of mine so I need to be able to pass that.

  Due to the artsy assignments I'm having to deal with, I'm having to reinvest in my art supplies. I'm thinking of getting a chest to keep my art supplies in. However, I know that many people will be asking me for my supplies so I'm going to be insecure and make them pay P5 to borrow it if I'm around. I'll keep most of my items are my apartment because I'm already having to carry around a lot of things as is. I'm thinking that I'll need a Tuesday/Thursday bag and a Monday/Wednesday/Friday bag. I'll also need a Saturday bag. I don't want to do that because I'll probably lose something but it seems that it'll be the easiest option.

  The maintenance is done with the ceiling but I think they realized that the toilet is also messed up so that's a fun discovery. I need to buy more cleaning supplies and a place to put the cleaning supplies because somehow everything always ends up on the floor of the bathroom and I find that disgusting.

  Overall, I really like it here in the Philippines. Yes, my skin has its issues adjusting but I'm probably the healthiest I've been in a long time. (Excluding these past two weeks because of this Sinus Infection). Take out the time I got a Staph Infection as well lol. I've been drinking a lot of coconut juice since I've moved to Vigan. I want to get gifts for people but if I get a gift for one person, I'm expected to get a gift for everyone.

  Christmas music starts in September in this country. I call that treason. But I don't go out to the places that play a lot of Christmas music so I'm not worried about it. The maintained have finished their project for this week. The toilet still needs to be fixed. There's another part of the ceiling that needs to be fixed. They insist of painting the whole room.

  I have 43 files to upload through Bluetooth so I'm probably going to take a nap and hope that when I wake up, the files will be where they need to be. Even if I don't get a grade for this project, I still found it fun.

  To Vlog about the culture of the Philippines. If I had better connection I would do videos. However, videos are not the easiest for me to keep up with. Maybe one day, I'll present videos on my blog. But for now, I'll show you all the project whenever it is finished.

  I really need to upload more photos onto the blog. I have been taking less pictures due to school. But I have saving my friends' and classmates' pictures instead. I'm thinking about doing a college or two out of the photos I have. I'm sure they'll like that.

  Well, there's twenty paragraphs for you. I'll upload this and hopefully, it will keep you occupied. Thank you all for tuning in. Message me on Facebook, tag me in silly post, message me on Instagram, add me on my Wattpad. However, you want to communicate with me. I will try my best to answer!

Till next time,

DJ/Cho/Shinar

10.21.18

Hey everyone, 

  I found a few minutes to update you guys so here it goes. For starters… My phone is messed up. It keeps resetting itself. I think I’ll go buy another battery but I don’t know. We’ll have to see. Luckily I have an extra phone because I need to know the time and be able to get a hold of my classmates. I hate having to depend so much on technology in this country but it’s a must. 

  What I’ve been doing is posting on my Wattpad. I know that many of you don’t have one but I would like to leave the links here so that if you have time you can read on what I’ve been posting there. Most of it will be poems because poems are good ways to put more meaning into less words but that also makes it not as easy to understand. 

  I miss everyone. I truly do. I freaked out because I thought I lost my passport but I came to find that the school has it because they had to convert it into a student visa. I’m so relieved. My heart would race thinking about the expenses my parents would have to use in order to fix my mistake but luckily…!

  The current poetry book that I am working on is called “A Barrier Meant To Be Broken.” As of today it has 18 parts. I try to post on there when I haven’t typed up something and I do have post written out for all of you but they’re on my flash drive which the school library is not wanting to read at the moment. I had to hop from computer to computer to find internet connection and go figure the one with internet connection doesn’t have a USB port that works. 

  Here’s the content of the current poetry book I’m writing. I will warn you that my previous work was written during a dark time so if you do adventure into my other poetry books please take that thought into consideration. Writing and band were my escape throughout junior high and high school. I’ve learned a lot from reading over my writing and I think that everyone should try it out. You can learn a lot about yourself but writing down your thoughts and evaluating it. 

A Barrier Meant To Be Broken

 

Introduction

A Fault

To My Sun

A Bittersweet Goodbye

Blinding Pride

Change of Heart

Sensual Distortion

Voice of Silence

Quatrain

Shattered Yet Alive

A Foundation, Barrier, or Both?

Prologue

Actions Speak

Battle Ready

Wavering

Pagmamahalan – Our Love

Cycled Cursed

Your Dedication   

  Please take the time to read these if you are interested. If not, I don’t mind. Poetry is not always someone’s taste in literate. Well, I’ve run out of time. At the moment my phone is messed up as I mentioned earlier so I’m sorry everyone! I’m alright and I’ll be taking more midterms this week.

Love you all,

Shinar/DJ/Cho

Follow Me on Wattpad

10.11.18

  Magandang araw sa inyo! (Filipino)
  Good day everyone!

  I have thirty minutes to pass so I thought I might update you all on how I'm doing. This month is midterms. The College of Teacher Education is responsible for paperwork so depending on the position of the teacher the schedule of the midterm for that class may or may not be set. Right now, I have not taken any exams.

  Stress has hit me real hard. Some of you may or may not know this but I'm an introvert who has anxiety and depression. Due to that, socially interacting with people makes me tired. I don't want people's attention but in order to learn the language here and convert into the culture I have to interact with people. Otherwise, I won't learn anything.

  Recently, I've been struggling. I haven't written anything, I haven't been reading, when I get home I go to sleep and wake up at midnight if not, later. I think I'm eating alright but that's only because I eat with other people who can't function without eating their breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snacks in between.

  A good thing is that I've made friends. I also have many acquaintances but I can safely say that I feel closer to my 'section' as people call it here, and I feel closer to this school in general. My skin is adjusting but I still need my medicines in order to clear up my skin. What people don't realize here is that the air pollution along with the humidity and the water that I take a bath with effect my skin. My diet also effects my skin but my diet here isn't that bad. Have I mentioned that I've lost 20 pounds since I've come to the Philippines? That's 10 kilos I think.

  Microsoft Office: In this country Microsoft Office, Excel, Word, and Powerpoint come with every laptop. Must be nice! I had someone install them for me and he even gave me Photoshop as well as a Video Editor. I'm thinking about starting short vlog videos and uploading them at computer shops (Internet cafes). That's if I get around to it.

  My Southern Accent: A lot of people ask me to use my southern accent but I haven't used it since April. When I talk to one of my friends on the phone he makes fun of me because I have to think about what I want to say in English even though I'm not fluent in either Filipino or Ilokano. I was thinking to take a video of me speaking in my normal accent but I have literally rewired my brain not to use it so it's very hard for me to switch. Although, when I sing my accent kicks in a lot of times so I was thinking to sing a song to help the people hear what my accent sounds like.

  Country music has never been a genre that I place in front of my representation list whenever I tell people what kind of music I listen to. Normally, I listen to it with family and a few friends but that's all. Occasionally I'll listen to it on my own. But now everyone wants to hear songs in that genre and I only know 2! In this country I sing because everyone likes to sing here, where they are good or bad. So the way I see it, the people here have heard worse from my singing. Most people like my singing. I haven't had an insults on it yet.

  The two country songs I know are "Take Me Home Country Roads by John Denver" which is more of a classic in my opinion and "I Love This Bar by Toby Keith". So, I guess I'll need to touch up on my country genre history because I can't sing "I Love This Bar" to all my audiences.

  My go-to song when I sing is "Your Guardian Angel by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus." I've learned how to read the song "Ikaw by Yeng Constantino" which is a love song in Tagalog. I'm getting better at reading Filipino but I'm not able to explain what the words mean or understand what I'm saying.

  Recently, one of my friends was admitted into the hospital and was positive for dengue. He's out of the hospital now, thankfully. But it made me realize something. The night he was admitted, no one knew what was wrong with him but I was having my own issues. I haven't taken my anxiety pills since I landed in this country but I think I'm going to have to start again.

  It's hard to ask for help from people when everyone is stressed, when no one speaks your language fluently, and despite this being an emotional country, no one really knows how to deal with an emotional situation. Not that people in American know how to do this either but at least there, it's easier to ask a stranger for help than it is here. I needed someone and I didn't go to anyone because it was late. I broke down and almost gave up on myself.

  The next day, one of my friends was announced to have committed suicide (if this subject makes you uncomfortable stop reading because from here on I'm going to be serious). It shook me to know that the night before, had I gave it, it would have been me and him. I couldn't stop thinking "It should have been me." But the fact was, it wasn't.

  Then I found out about my friend who was admitted into the hospital and that he was positive for dengue. Dengue can be fatal if not treated properly and right away. Luckily, he was admitted in time to be saved. I didn't tell him why I continued to be there for him. He complemented me and said, "You're like a mother. Always watching out for our class." and I smiled at that.

  My anxiety pills are in San Emilio at the moment and I don't have enough money to go home. I have enough to go once but I will be going next week instead of this week because my grandmother's birthday is next week. I wish I could visit every weekend but the truth is, ,me and my cousin do not have enough money to do so. It's literally too expensive.

  I'm bringing this up to you all because I want you all to know how much the messages through messenger mean to me. I like it when people tag me in funny things or tag me in general on facebook. It gives me something to look at. I don't know if I'll ever be comfortable with someone here to share my actual feelings about the subject of suicide but I know I've written about it. I wrote it to my teachers and I don't know some of them have read it because it changed how they approached me but it the change wasn't bad. Well, I've run out of time.

  Y'all me a lot to me. Everyone who takes their time to read these and not say anything make me happy because you've taken your time to read over what I have had to say. Message me sometime. Tag me in funny things. I usually get on facebook to laugh but I also have to use my facebook for communication. I have other poems up also in my wattpad which I'll be posting a list later on when I have more time.

Thanks for listening y'all

DJ/Cho/Shinar

Week 25: A General Idea of What's On My Mind

10.1.18:

 I want to start with... Today someone in my life was lost to what sounds to be suicide. I don't have verification yet but I do know that yesterday, I felt that I wanted to quit. I didn't. Despite the lack of resources I had. I tried to write my last letter. I ended up being to tired to follow through.

  Jordan, 

  I wish it was me. I don't know what caused you to give up. But I was there yesterday and now I realize that your departure was what I felt. You called out to me, yet I didn't understand who was trying to talk to me. I didn't know that you felt the way I felt. I don't have regrets. But I do know that you mean a lot to the people around me and I never thought negative of you. You're in a better place now. But had I only listened, you could have been lived another day. 

  No, I don't blame Jordan's death of myself. But I do understand suicidal thoughts on a personal level. When it comes down to it, people who feel that way don't want to reach out. They feel that they are a burden on others. They don't know how to speak their mind. Suicide has a different language that those who experience a personal bond with it can only understand. 

  We know we should reach out. But we can't say the words literally. We don't know how people will react. They might send us to an asylum. Whereas, some people see this as 'getting help', others see this as being placed in a jail for the mentally insane. 

  Whatever was on Jordan's mind. I wish he would have said it. No matter how far my classmates from school go, I still care about all of you and I want you all to know that. What I remember about Jordan was his smile. There was a light in his eyes and he always seemed to be having a good time. 

  But now I know that there was something deeper. Something that... Had I taken the time to think about it, I would have saw it. No one deserves to think that they can't make it anymore. If anyone ever needs someone to talk to please reach out to me. I care about you. Even if we have never spent any time together. I want you all to know that I'm here. I may be 13 hours ahead of those who are at home but that comes to an advantage. I'm awake when others are not and I'm here. I always will be.

  As I said, I almost gave up yesterday. And it pains me to know that it could have been both of us. I can't save him now. But I can save the next person. He was a good guy. We were never personally close. But he was close to my friends and that's enough to make him close to me. 

  Rest easy, J. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you. 

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The following is a rough draft of my thoughts on 9.22.18. Let me know your thoughts on the junk that was on my mind. 

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9.22.18

  The longer I stay in this country the more I realize how poor it is. Where I come from, there has been trial and error. There has been advancement. In my homeland I am luckier than I realize. Here, there are perks but they come with a cost.

  My dream was originally to fix the US education system. But I see now that I need to do more than that. I was brought to this country to make a difference. I know that I'll need a lot of help in order to get my dream's achievement where it need to be.

  Who, What, When, Where, Why, and How?

  Who will I be affecting?

  I'll need to start with the US education system. While I'm doing that I can reach out to the Philippine's education system.

Who am I focusing on?

  Since I'm getting a General Education degree I will begin with elementary students and Filipino adults who want to learn a language. Either English, Filipino, or Ilokano. (US)

  (PI) The college is truly where I want to focus my efforts. If I get everything secured then I can bring people into my cause and that will help spread my views over the years and all over the Philippines.

  I want to start small goals to help the elementaries as well. The ones I have to interact with or the ones that are close to my family. The names Gallardo and Compal will be engraved in anything I do.

What am I trying to do in general?

  Educate people who are willing to be educated. I want to reach out to people who cannot afford education. I want to tutor people who are willing to learn no matter what age. (US)

  Bring people into my cause so that I can spread the effort of what I would like to change in the Philippines through other people. (PI)

Examples:

  People who have missed their opportunity in getting a High School Diploma need to get a GED 'General Education Diploma?' I want to help those people.

  Children who have teachers who do not understand them need help as well. I want to work with parents to see that their child needs a one on one tutor instead of a classroom setting.

  People who were not given the opportunity to learn the language of the Philippines (Filipinos specifically). (US)

Generally, the Philippines is poor. I want to help bring money into the Philippines as well as have money be taken out.

Mother Nature is very strong in this country. I want to help figure out how to help in times of crisis.

I want to start a recycling company here as well. It would help with the trash. (PI)

When do I plan to have this done?

  In truth I don't know. This will take a long time whether it is in the Philippines or not. I need to seek organizations that already exist that deal with recycling and multicultural awareness.

  When I finish college here in the Philippines I will begin my quest in the US

  The project that I am setting in the Philippines will take a lot of time. They do things very old fashion here so I can only work in the old fashion manner. Not everyone likes change. But those who are willing to change are who I will work with.

  Where am I going to start?

  In San Angelo, Texas. My hometown. Between the time that I'm in college and the time that I go home (June and July) I will work with my city. My family is involved in an organization so I have the resources to reach out.

  Once I graduate I will begin in Georgia. I want to be with my friends for a month. I want to reach out to that state since they are there. Eventually, I want to visit all my friends across the states. I have a goal to visit all 50.

  If things go right I'll also have a way to begin in Virginia. (US)

My plan will have to start in Vigan City. There is more money there. Then, I will reach out to Paltoc and slowly work between the two points until they meet. I'll hire my family and have them work for me.

  I will work with the people who were willing to work with me here. My classmates, my college peers, the teachers- anyone who was willing to look at me and not think negative of me. I want to help them.

Why?

  People should not be forced to not have an education. It should be a choice. If someone simply does not want to have an education that is fine. That is their choice. But a person should be given the oppertunity to be educated. Not everyone understands what opportunities they have in life.

  As long as a person is willing to learn then they should have that opportunity. Educating the next generation will leave a legacy that may bring more dangerous problems but it will solve others as well. (US)

  The Philippines is a home that I never had. Now that I'm an adult I want to make it a better place. And not a place that gives out younger woman because they need a citizenship. There has to be another way. I want to bring people over through different means.

  There's a lot of potential in the Philippines. All around the world Filipinos make their mark. It's my turn. (PI)

How

  I will have to begin at my schools. Lake View High School and Lincoln Middle School. Later I can reach out to Howard Community College and Angelo State University. I need to get to know my elementary. It seems like a new place to me but it was still my elementary and I need to give back to it.

  The Asian American Association of Women is growing. I want to assist in its growth. I am supposed to be a member.

  I'll look up any organization that is based in San Angelo and reach out to them first. (US)

  Vigan City is where I will be for most of my school time here. I will begin in Vigan. I'll invest into the college and make it a better place. Hopefully. But I will also do small improvements of my own. Personal goals like helping the family out. There needs to be money that comes into the Philippines but they also need someone who will come back and not for vacation purposes. None of the money that comes into the Philippines that I see is being used to bring in revenue and I want to make a difference in that.

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  If anyone every needs someone to talk to, please reach out to me. You can reach me on my Facebook, Instagram, If you know me in person in the Philippines please ask me for my number, I have an email, you can also reach out to me through this blog. You can also reach out to my Wattpad

  However you may reach me. Please try, I am always willing to listen. Till next time, DJ/Cho/Shinar

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